


Fucking Zombie Sharks

by Gummibearthief (Jessjess)



Series: Shawn and Jesse Chronicles [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-05
Updated: 2012-03-05
Packaged: 2017-11-01 12:39:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/356883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessjess/pseuds/Gummibearthief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why Jesse is never allowed to drink alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fucking Zombie Sharks

**Author's Note:**

> You have not fully experienced the level of your own crazy until you are describing this story to your brother, who questions how a zombie can bite through shark skin (it's the other way around btw), and then informs you that you're on speakerphone in downtown NYC while his new GF and random strangers are looking at his phone weirdly.

It was never a good sign to stare at your windows in fear and trepidation, but when they were covered and locked tight on a beautiful afternoon that’s what happened. Shawn literally stood in front of his door debating whether he should open it or spend the night at a motel. It wasn’t cowardice it was a pre-emptive strike against the insanity he was sure to encounter if he walked inside. The downside, and wasn’t it a pity there was one, was that some genius invented cellphones years ago and therefore the lunacy could track him down.

It was a dilemma worthy of a few more minutes of consideration toward installing that storage closet by the front door. He could stock it with Kevlar and a full suit of armor for days like this. The bright side was if he actually carried through with “the plan” he could buy everything online. This part was crucial since he would feel compelled to punch the first person to smirk at him. There were rules why knives weren’t to be thrown in the house Geena Davis be damned.

He inserted his key softly as possible and unlocked the door. Flattening himself against the wall he turned the handle slowly and pushed it gently open. Sober Jesse was his lovable yet wacky companion, but the signs were pointing to Drunk Jesse who was a conspiracy theorist on crack.

“Babe?” He called. “Jess, it’s me.” He risked a quick peek inside relaxing marginally when he couldn’t see his lover. Crouching low, he swung quickly into the dark room and shut the door quickly.

“I’m going to turn the light on now, okay?” He called calmly.

If there was one lesson he had learned over the years that could apply to today it would be that you never talk to a crazy person like they’re crazy. You treat them as if it were any other day. If they figure out that you are treating them like they’re crazy they start trying to justify the crazy while acting even more insane and the rest of the day was shot to hell trying to talk them down from the top of the fridge or out of the bathroom.

He snapped on the switch to an empty room. Apparently his lover’s artistic endeavor for the day was stapling black curtains to the window frame and covering those with the heavy “energy saving” curtains meant for blocking heat. He could hear the tv in the bedroom, but the couch being a suspicious two feet from the wall was a better indication as to the location of the red head. He set one knee on the cushion and leaned over the back smiling. No matter what Jesse on a zombie induced terror high immediately turned into the little boy building forts in the living room. This one looked like the winter comforter and an end table. He reached down and knocked on the table.

“I don’t suppose you want to tell me what set you off this time?” The blanket didn’t move, but he got an answer this time.

“Zombieland was playing on two different channels.”

“I thought we agreed that you can never take a Woody Harrelson movie seriously.”

“And then I found out that someone is obviously trying to get a message out there! All of the Living Dead movies were scheduled then the Resident Evils and 28 Days and Weeks! Tell me that doesn’t say something.”

“Halloween is coming?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Shawn. Halloween is when they play the werewolf, vampire and mummy movies with the 80’s horror flicks thrown in for good measure. It is not, I repeat not, a zombie movie marathon. This is a message and we haven’t gotten plywood for the windows yet. We are woefully unprepared. Woefully.” His head popped out from under the blanket, “How many marines do you know?”

“None, I know one retired marine, but we don’t exactly speak to him, and no, you cannot hunt down Brad Colbert!”

“He’s a Recon Marine!”

“Yes, which means that he will most likely not respond well to the crazy eyes you have going right now.”

“Fine, we’ll go with the back-up plan.”

“Alexander Skarsgard is an actor and he only played a marine on tv!”

“Please, give me some credit. The man was in the Swedish Coast Guard or something like that which is an useless skill set for the coming Zompocalypse! Oh, believe me, I thought about it. It sounds easy enough, grab a boat, sail out to sea and ride the whole thing out, right? It’s not like they’re going to know where and when on the coast you’re going to land, but it’s a lie. It’s a dirty, filthy lie with lies on top, that’s how big the lie is.

“See, all it takes is one infected human to fall off of a ship and the likelyhood of that happening is pretty damned high what with all of the cruise lines, freighters, commercial boats, and those save the whale idiots out there and BOOM!”

“Boom what?”

“Fucking. Zombie. Sharks.”

“Zombie sharks?”

“Think about it. The shark is one of nature’s perfect killing machines. So perfect they haven’t changed since they ate dinosaurs, they only got smaller cause the food did and they’re just out there waiting for the next opportunity. Zombie dude falls off the ship into the water. Zombies don’t swim, but they don’t need to breathe either so it’s out there thrashing around in the water. There’s bound to be one shark out there keeping an eye out, and what are sharks attracted to? Movement. Shark, the ultimate eating machine meets zombie, ultimate prey and presto someone hit the official “We’re Screwed button ‘cause the oceans are gone.

“Zombie sharks, zombie fish, zombie whales all mean that my ass is staying firmly planted on terra firma, thank you very much. The blue whale is the biggest mammal, right? Go look it up online, find out how big it’s teeth are and come back here and tell me if you think that shit’s worth it.”

“I’m not going to look it up online, besides, I don’t think they even have teeth.”

“well, look it up because now I’m curious and I’m not moving until the back-up plan is complete or the Jack runs out. Or I have to pee.”

“Do I even want to know what your back-up plan will involve?”

“No. First, never underestimate the importance of plausible deniability and second, you heathen of an unbeliever, I’m not sure you’ll know until the Zompocalypse hits. However, you may rest assured that you will be glad that I was prepared when it does come.”

“What do you have down there besides Jack Daniels?”

“Another four pack of Red Bull and a bottle of Ripped Fuel. Ain’t nothing gonna stop this train ‘cept the wall known as Monday.”

“Oh goody.”

“Hey, Baby?”

“Yeah?”

“In the interest of an honest relationship I feel compelled to inform you that should Alexander Hotass show up for any reason during the event I’m not kicking him out. Thought you should know.

“I believe I already guessed that.”

“Okay, bring me the goods on whale teeth.”

Shawn headed to the bedroom to shut off the tv. There was no doubt that Jesse was one big ball of crazy, but it was a crazy he could live with. You could bet your ass there was channel rep or three that was going to get an email tomorrow though.

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Geena Davis played and amnesiac spy in the Long Kiss Goodnight and one of the signs of her returning memory was when she pinned a tomato to the wall with a big ass kitchen knife.  
> 2) If you have not met a person who perches on your refrigerator while under the influence, thank your lucky stars. Getting them down is a bitch and likely to get complaints from your neighbors.  
> 3) SSgt. Brad Colbert is in fact a Recon Marine. He and the rest of Bravo Company were in the front running troops in Operation Iraqi Freedom and the focus of an embedded reporter who wrote a series of articles, and a book which was turned into the HBO miniseries Generation Kill.  
> 4) Alexander “The Hotass” Skarsgard played SSgt. Brad Colbert in the miniseries.  
> 5) Yes, the blue whale is the largest mammal, but no it doesn’t have teeth. I got curious after I wrote it and looked it up. lol


End file.
